Trees and Orcses, Precious
by Leaviel
Summary: IT HAS BEEN RAISED FROM THE DEAD! Yeah, so it was originally script, and I reformatted it. Gollum and Treebeard fall in love. Yes, I know I'm strange.
1. The Meeting

So… after got rid of script formatted stuff… this was… gotten rid of. I made me sad. And now, I've re-formatted it so that it SHALL LIVE ON FOREVER! Actually, that would be kinda odd. The re-formatting will also include making this fic better. I don't remember when I wrote it… but it was before I got actually semi-good at writing fanfics. So, the story behind this fic… One day while perusing through a thought came to me: I wonder if anyone's written a Gollum/Treebeard fanfic… Well, no one had. So I took it upon myself to write my own. Apparently I didn't save the first chapter, so this is my rendition of how it was… Yeah…

**Tree's and Orcses, Precious: Chapter One, The Meeting**

Once upon a scary, scary time, a "young"… thing named Gollum was crawling though the woods. They were searching for their "precious". I say "they" because Mr. Gollum was a schizo. It all had to do with that ring he found back when Gollum was Smeagol and there _was_ no Gollum. That was the ring's doing. Gollum was the ring's influence on Smeagol; his evil self. Smeagol was the "good guy". But if you're reading this fic, you should know that. And if you don't… TOO BAD FOR YOU.

Anywhosies, the wood that Gollum was trekking through was none other than Fanghorn Forest. He had been searching long and hard for his beloved precious… but he had yet to find it. Gollum didn't really have a good sense of direction, but I imagine having two personalities would do that to a person—persons.

"We should have turned left at Rivendell, precious," Smeagol said.

"You stupid… thing… I knows how to get to the Baggins. You can'ts even tell where North and South are!" Gollum retorted.

"Leave us alone! We hasn't needed to know where North and South are!"

"Well, now you does! _Gollum! Gollum!_" Not paying the least bit of attention to where they were going, Gollum ran smack-dab into a tree… or what they _thought_ was a tree.

"See where it gets us?" Gollum raged.

"We didn't do anything, precious!" Smeagol cried. All of a sudden, the tree they had walked into (A/N this reminds me of that weird Indian name I saw once: Runs Into Things When Crawling. Isn't that a great name? Get back to the story! Alright, alright!) moved. (A/N HA! Now you have to re-read the beginning of the sentence without my random interjections so that it makes sense! HAHAHAHAHAAA! Yeah… I gotta stop doing that.)

The "tree" looked around, wondering where the voices it had heard had come from. Meanwhile, Gollum/Smeagol was paralyzed with fright. Come on, you would be too if you were a strange schizo who had just ran into a tree that was now moving… not naturally. I gnome I would. What? Why are you giving me that weird look. You don't even gnome me! Well… you might. You never gnome.

"Hroom, hrum!" said the tree.

"What was that, precious?" Smeagol asked, fearfully.

"Where are you?" the tree said with a slow voice that sounded like woodwind instruments.

Gollum freaked out. "Aaarggh! What issss it, precious?"

The tree finally looked down. "There you are. I… am an Ent. And you are a little orc, burraruuum!" With that, the Ent picked up Gollum and brought him to its face. Something happened then, the ring did not intend: it was picked up by the most—Sorry. I go off on quotes sometimes. But something strange did happen. When Gollum and the Ent looked into each other's eyes, they saw something there. Both quickly turned away, blushing. Yes, it was love (twitch) at first sight. (more twitching)

"What… are you called?" The Ent asked Gollum.

"We is… Gollum…" Gollum answered hesitantly.

"And Smeagol!" Smeagol added.

"I am Treebeard," said Treebeard. (A/N Yay for parallel sentence structure thingies) An awkward silence filled the still, foresty air.

Gollum coughed. "W-would you like to… have dinner?" He was not used to these situations. "We knows of a place that is good."

"I would like that," Treebeard said without looking at him. They stood in silence for about five minutes.

"We needs to get down, precious," Gollum finally said.

"Hrum! Right!" The Ent carefully placed Gollum on the forest floor.

"We can meet you back here when the sun hits the top of the trees," Gollum said, shuffling his feet.

"Okay." More awkward silence occurred.

"Bye…" Gollum said.

Treebeard nodded. "Fare thee well, Gollum. I shall see thee as the sun touches the treetops.

AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING! Ya know, it's really hard to make these chapters long. Compared to the last story I was writing, this is pathetically short. OH WELL! Indeed… The next chapter should be posted really shortly.

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	2. Bombadil's Bar and Grill

YESH! The real re-formatted chapter! As I said before, the last chapter I'd forgotten to save. Woops. I also added a bit that wasn't originally there. Yeah, this story scars my mind. And yet, I continue to write it.

**Trees and Orcses, Precious: Chapter Two, Bombadil's Bar and Grill**

Gollum was extremely nervous. He had never been on a date before (A/N not surprisingly) and did not know what to expect. He cleaned himself off in a stream, and put on his best loincloth. Truthfully, he only had one loincloth… but that's beside the point. See, there's the point, and there's the bit about Gollum only having one loincloth… it's right next to it. See?

On the way to their meeting place, Gollum picked a small bouquet of flowers for Treebeard. As promised, when the sun had set to the point where it touched the tops of the trees, Treebeard arrived. He had straightened out his foliage and was lookin' good! Erm… as good as a walking, talking tree _could_ look… I think…

They stared at each other for a minute. Gollum took the flowers from behind his back. "These are for you," he said, looking down.

Treebeard gasped. "Thank you so!" He immediately took the flowers and re-planted them, using some of his Ent magic to make them grow roots. "Now they can live and grow in peace. It is a horribly thing when plants are ripped from the ground."

Gollum blushed. "We should get going," he said, changing the subject.

They walked through the quiet forest, not speaking to each other. They keep on giving each other furtive little looks when the other wasn't looking. (A/N Like I would be probably be doing, except that I've never _really _been in that kind of a situation before, and if I was… I'd probably be walking into trees as well and making a big fool of myself… because I'm like that.)

Finally, they reached a small pavilion labeled "Bombadil's Bar and Grill". They entered. Inside, sitting behind the counter, was Bombadil and-- (BOOM! CRASH! BOOM! Forbidding music plays) STOP IT SAVVIE! (A/N at the time I originally wrote this, every time I said "Bombadil, my friend would say… what she said. I don't remember why. I guess she was just weird like that… AND SHE STILL IS!) Yeah, Bombadil and none other than the DWG ( The Deranged Windmill Guy).

(A/N If any of you don't know who the DWG is and have absolutely NO idea what I mean when I talk about the Deranged Windmill Guy… And I'm sure there's quite a bit… just read "Hey, Ocarina! The Cheesy Zelda Musical" by Galaxy Girl. (no longer on for the same reason this story was taken off… script format) 'Tis a Zelda thing… incase you didn't get that. The DWG is a crazy old guy who lives in a windmill in "The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time". He's obsessed with spinning things… things that go round and round.)

The two of them were talking about the good old days when they used to go about ravaging houses and creeping people out… come to think about it, they still do that. Hehe, oh well. In the background in the DWG's song, "The Song of Storms", was playing.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! I HAVE DONE IT! I HAVE COMBINED TWO GREAT EVILS INTO ONE STORY! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! If this oliphant goes over five miles an hour… it will explode! MWEHEHEHEHEHEEEE! Yeah… ignore that.

Treebeard Looked around, slightly disturbed (who wouldn't be? Oh, right: Gollum) "Is this the right place?" he asked.

"Yes, precious, it is," he responded.

Bombadil walked up to them. "Yo, my hommies! Wazzuuuuup?"

The DWG laughed maniacally. "Spinning, spinning, spinning! Round, round, round! Kill, kill, kill!"

"Don't panic… Don't run…" Treebeard muttered to himself.

"Hullo, precious. We is very good!" Gollum said, shaking Bombadil's hand.

He smiled and looked up at Treebeard. "Sooo, I see you have a friend." Gollum blushed.

"Spinning, spinning, spinning! Round, round, round! Kill, kill, kill!" said the DWG from the corner he was in, playing his weird crank music box.

"What will it be, then? The usual, I suppose; worm spaghetti and raw fish?" He continued as if there had been no disturbance. And then—

"Spinning, spinning, spinning! Round, round, round! Kill, kill, kill!"

"Yes, that is good, precious." Gollum turned to Treebeard. "What would it like?"

Treebeard still looked apprehensive. "Do you have Ent draught?"

Bombadil grinned. "Actually, we do. Where do you want to sit?"

"Spinning, spinning, spi—"

"Please stop," Bombadil told him.

"Stopping, stopping, stopping," the DWG complied.

"Sit? No, I do not sit. I'm not very, hrm, _bendable_," he said.

"Why doesn't we sit on roof? Then you can stand next to us while we eat, precious!" Gollum suggested.

"Good plan! Good plan!" Bombadil said.

Treebeard lifted Gollum up onto the roof.

"Thank you, my love," he said.

Treebeard looked surprised. " 'My love'? Do you really think we're ready for that now?"

Gollum thought for a moment. "No, perhaps not, precious. We supposes taking things a bit slower is good."

"Don't be hasty," said the Ent.

On ground, next to Treebeard's feet, Bombadil called up. "Ehh, youse don't suppose, you couldn't give me a lift, could you?" Treebeard picked him up. "Thank you." He handed their food and drink to them. "Have a nice time, kids!"

Treebeard raised an eyebrow (assuming he _has_ eyebrows) "Kids?" he asked.

Gollum laughed. "He's really old, precious."

Bombadil looked at him, smiling. "Hey, I may be old, but I'm still kickin'!" He turned to Treebeard. "Could, youse possibly give me a lift down?"

"NOOOOO!" I say and push him off the edge, laughing maniacally. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

Okay, maybe not.

"Here you are," Treebeard said, putting him back down on the ground.

Gollum slurped down his worms and raw fish. "How does it like it, precious?"

Treebeard took a sip of the Ent Draught. "Mmm… very nice. Hoom, hrum."

"Good," Gollum said. They sat (or in Treebeard's case, stand) there for a while, enjoying their food. Words were passed… Hey, you make it up! I don't know what goes on at these things… I'm only 16. What? I'm sure there are a lot of people my age who've never been on a date before. WHAT? Don't give me that look! (A/N at the time I wrote that, I hadn't. However, I don't _really_ count the one I have had… it was just a movie anyway. Yeah…)

Okay, I'm ending it here. It was a little longer than the last chapter. Oh, just be happy I've finally re-formatted it! Sheesh! … No… I _don't_ know what the next chapter is going to be called. You think I would? Silly people… I don't know everything… except when it comes to LOTR. Even then… I'm just gonna go now. Namarie!

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